How would my life look to a stranger...I know years ago everyone thought I had the perfect life...marriage...three wonderful children...a good job...a happy life...it all fell apart...it hurt...I was lost...then another found me...together we were healing one another... I thought I'd found a perfect life...a perfect love....but again it fell apart...somehow I survived it all...outwardly at least...inside I am still raw...still fighting to live...I don't know if I will ever heal...I want a new beginning...want to grow wings and fly...
completely trust and love again...but I don't know how...life awaits...love awaits...I know...but the fear is stronger...if only I hadn't lost so much in life...I wouldn't have this hole inside that won't heal....the loss of my dad two weeks ago has torn open the wounds...I find myself with too much time...to think...to feel to mourn...so much lost...so many memories coming to the surface...I am sick now with a bad cold...miserable...the stress of life has knocked me down...torn down my defenses...if only I could rest...sleep and wake up refreshed and whole again...
I hurt...I want to be held and comforted....spoiled and pampered...loved...but I feel so alone...so tired of taking care of everyone else...being strong and going on with life...
I don't want to feel this way anymore...when I look in the mirror I see a stranger...I don't know who I am...what I want...I'm falling back down into the ashes.....I can only hope someday I will emerge...like the Phoenix from the fire...I will arise from the ashes...grow wings and fly...find myself and truly live and love....before its too late and life is done...
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