I wrote a post awhile ago...wanted to hurt you...wanted to tell you off...but I couldn't leave it and deleted it before anyone read it...I couldn't bring myself to be as mean to you as you have been to me...I couldn't be mean to you while I still had hope...but hope is gone...gone with the realization you chose another for your wife...
I still don't want to be mean...still want to have hope and faith...but I know now I can't...so I am trying with these words to finally get out all the hurt I have felt the last couple of years...Don't know if you'll ever read...probably won't and don't care...but for me..it's something I need to do...let it all out so maybe it quits festering inside of me... destroying what little heart I have left inside...
So here is that post...in part anyway...the part that went with the story I was telling at the time is left out...
How could anyone love someone only to blindside them and throw them away without explanation...yes, Lion that is exactly what you did...one night it was all fine and love and the next morning it was over...you loved me but it was over, no explanations...what a cowardly way to end a relationship...you claimed to have been hurt so badly by others yet you did worse to me than had ever been done to you...and that hurt was so very deep I still am suffering and have not healed from the pain you caused...take all the pain you have suffered over the years from family and loved ones and multiply it by 1000 and maybe, just maybe, you will know the pain you have given me...and to have broken it off right when I needed you most, that was the cruelest of all...the most cold-hearted thing anyone could do to another human being...and then to top it all off....you have another move in with you not 2 weeks later...and you weren't seeing her when we were still together? yea, right...you either were or had your eye on her already to take my place...There is no way you really loved me or you couldn't have had another that soon! and how did that turn out for you? she wasn't what you thought was she? she was a liar and a cheat and probably worse...you said you two were together and it was permanent...didn't last did it? funny you said the same about us...LIAR!!!!!!! I asked...pleaded with you so many times to give me another chance...I deserved it...I deserved an explanation...I looked for you...looked at every red truck that passed hoping it was you...but it wasn't and the one time it was...I missed you...I cried out to you...tried to see you...twice...more...but you wouldn't have it...and said you were the one who was upset!? Do you know that I tried to end it after that? I didn't want to go on with out you...How could I be so stupid to fall in love with such an uncaring, selfish Frog? You are not a Lion...too good a name for you...I christen you Frog...not a princely frog either!
Look at yourself in a mirror...look closely...what do yo see? You have become the things you most despised...the cruelty and hatefulness of your family...its there inside of you...you've showed it to me in the way you treated me...the coldness of your ex when she ignored you when you needed her most...you did that to me...You cheated on me...you lied to me...
You are everything you said you despised...all rolled into one horrible human...
So have I done it now? Have I made you so mad...hate me so much...finally burned the last bridge?
I have tried love...patience...trust...and belief in you and gotten nothing...nothing but me being crazy...so maybe with these words I can stop and I will finally get you out of my head...and my heart...if I am as cruel as I can be...maybe you will hate me...and hate is so much better than being ignored...forgotten and made to feel I am nothing to you....
But what does it matter anyway...you don't care...never did...and now you are married to her...you told me she had health issues and you needed to be there for her...where were you when I needed you? you left me at a time I needed you most...you knew what was going on in my life...the pain I was going through...God, I was being threatened with harassment from someone I loved...but it didn't matter...you left anyway...no support...nothing...you had better things to do...left me devastated...
left me to figure it out all on my own...to try to live my life without you...without your love...your support...
and here I am...alive...trying to keep it all together...but inside? I am so hurt and confused...
can't go on anymore...closing for tonight...maybe tomorrow I'll let it all out some more...I need to...I've held the tears in too long...
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